Miscarriage #3 (DISBELIEF)
After over a month of being too sick too leaving the house (and barely leaving my bed, see this story), it was time to head to my obgyn for another checkup.
I remember during the car ride mentioning to my husband how positive I was about the appointment. As we chatted, I decided I was 98-99% confident. I was still throwing up and I knew that was a sign of a healthy pregnancy! At this point I was ~11 weeks along and was excited to go in and see the heartbeat again (we’d already seen it twice, so I was feeling less nervous knowing we’d already seen it!).
When we got in to our appointment, the nurse got out a small device so we could hear the heartbeat. She said there was a chance we may not hear anything, but with my size and how far along I was, it shouldn’t be a problem. When we didn’t hear anything, I was slightly nervous, but mostly excited that this meant an ultrasound (although I try to limit ultrasounds to when absolutely necessary I also love being able to see the baby in there!). When we got to the ultrasound room, I saw the baby right away. But then I also saw a straight line where I thought the heart beat should be. It felt like an eternity and no one said anything. So finally, I broke the silence… “that’s the baby, right?”, “yes” the tech replied. More silence. “But there’s no heartbeat?” I barely squeaked out… I didn’t want to ask, but I also needed to know. I looked at my husband and saw the disbelief and shock on his face that I felt in my heart.
The baby measured at 10 weeks, which meant it had stopped growing about a week prior. But, “I was throwing up 2 days ago!” I exclaimed! “That means everything is ok!” Still not believing this was happening.
That ultrasound is engrained in my memory. There are days I still don’t believe it to be true.
What Helped Me
After initially thinking I would miscarry naturally, we decided a D&C was best for multiple reasons and I remain confident that this was the best decision for our situation. I’ve written in more detail what went into my decision.
I’m a part of 2 separate women’s group, one is more business focused, but both have similar formats of meeting monthly and include updates to review the top and bottom 5% in our lives (business, family & personal) over the past month. I found out I miscarried on a Tuesday and then on Wednesday had my monthly meeting with both groups of ladies. The meetings do not usually fall on the same day, but I know that having these meetings was a gift from God. These women listened and supported me when I needed it most.
Brook and I had an existing trip planned for Europe. I had been planning to cancel due to the extreme morning sickness I was experiencing. We only had a plane ticket to Portugal booked and my doctor had told me to wait until the last minute to cancel and she would write a note to help us get a refund. The miscarriage happened the week before our flight was scheduled. I would give anything to have been able to cancel the trip and stay at home in bed sick and pregnant, but of course, this choice was not given to me. The timing worked out that we were able to keep our scheduled trip and enjoy a much needed few weeks out of the house (and me out of bed) and travel to Portugal, France & London. While the trip included a few tears on my part, overall, I feel like the timing was meant to be as we really needed that time & space to process what we had just been through (and I mean seriously, what better place to grieve than the south of France?!).
Miscarriage #4 (SURPRISE)
I found out I was pregnant again! This was very much unplanned and the first full cycle after my previous miscarriage. That did not stop me from being overly enthusiastic and to start, once again, planning out the rest of my soon-to-be-a-mommy life.